Tuesday Chat

Tuesday was gray and gloomy, and I woke with a cloud directly over my head. I've put a lot of time and energy into combating the seasonal affective disorder blues. Friends have given me excellent advice on supplements, full spectrum lighting, and other holistic remedies that I have invested in, and for the most part, I've found a satisfying relief from the emotional discomfort I'd endured year after year.  But every once in a while it seems like the weather can bypass the treatment, and spin me into a funk.

B'Man notice my fetal position and curled up with me in the bed after he had been fully dressed. He kissed me on the neck and whispered in my ear,"Do I have to break out the paddle?"

I managed to smile and shake my head adamantly as I assured him that I would be fine.

This evening he was expected across town to preach at a friend's ministry, and there were a few things that he wanted me to take care of by the end of the day. A little cleaning, a couple of errands that he needed me to run, a light dinner, and of course, the all important getting to the gym for cardio and endorphins. Certainly not a difficult day in hindsight, but...

I spent the day dragging. The procrastination monster was hot on my heels, and I had stumbled long enough for it to catch and devour me. I was sure I had put aside enough time to finish everything that he expected of me, and as time went on, I kept telling myself that if I left just a little later, I'd be able to squeeze everything in.

I stopped off at my mother's house for lunch, and wasted time there eating sweets and watching part of a Law and Order marathon while time slipped away.  By the time I left her place for the gym, it was too late. Not only had I finished nothing B'Man had asked me to do, but in my anger with myself, I became angry with him. My workout was whittled down to a worthless ten minutes, I picked up the ingredients for his dinner too late for him to eat before he had to leave, I had cleaned nothing. At the last minute, I raced around to three different stores searching for an item he had asked me to pick up for him. I was a mess, and I was pissed. I called him on the way home and snapped at him that his all important item was no where to be found, and he had sent me on an impossible wild goose chase... and it's his fault that I was running late.

Walking in the door, I was irritated, nervous and on edge. He was in the living room, rehearsing his sermon for the evening. I angrily tossed the groceries on the counter, and started tearing around the kitchen to prepare his dinner. He stopped rehearsing and put his hand up to tell me that it was okay, that it was too late to start dinner, and he had to leave soon. Luckily he had had a late lunch, so it wasn't a big deal.

When he finally left, I dove for the phone and dialed my friend Janet from Finding Our Way. She hadn't been around in a while, and I wanted to check on her, and just hear a friendly voice. It was a given that I was going to be spanked hard when B'Man got home that evening. My procrastination and attitude made sure of that, and I really needed someone to talk me down off a ledge. I tried to hide the fact that I was in trouble for the first few minutes of our conversation, but she heard the tremors in my voice and insisted I tell her what was wrong. When the story came out, she said something to the effect of, "Procrastinating again? Will you ever learn?"

Ah, the love of good friends!

She had me giggling for about an hour until she had to go, and she made me promise to update her on Wednesday morning... and once again, I was left alone with my guilt and anxiety.

An hour later I got on the computer and logged on to my Tuesday night chat with those women that B'Man calls, "my spanko girlfriends." The story of my infraction came out almost immediately, and as I was teased and jabbed throughout the conversation, I felt not so alone in my fretfulness. There's something about unloading on other women when there's an impending doom looming over your head that gives one a sense of peace... if only for a moment.

When B'Man pulled into the parking lot, visible from our window, I quickly told everyone goodbye, logged off, and waited.

I was immediately taken to the den where I was placed across his knee and spanked hard with the bath brush, my wails muffled by the throw pillow and my legs pinned down between his as he scolded me for not only my disobedience and procrastination, but more importantly my apparent disinterest in keeping the SAD at bay.

Sore and sniveling, I made my way back to my laptop in the living room, and logged back into the chat room. My girlfriends welcomed me back and pumped me for details with a measure of humor and sympathy.  I was given advice, admonishments, jokes, and cyber hugs as I adjusted my throbbing butt on the couch cushions and wiped my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. I sulked and laughed my way through the next 40 minutes or so until B'Man came out and kissed me on the cheek.

"You still hate me?" he asked.

"Nah," I said.

"Good.  Be sure to tell your spanko girlfriends I took it easy on you," he said as he went to the fridge for a bottle of water.

"They won't believe me," I said.  "They're already convinced you're a beast."

He smiled as he walked back into the den.  I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure he gets a kick out of having that reputation, especially since he considers himself a Teddy bear.