Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Struggle Continues

Several months ago I had been asked by a neighbor to help her with her mother until they could find permanent help. Millie had recently had her second stroke as a result of her 40 year smoking habit. Her heart and lungs had been taxed to their limit, and she paid the price of allowing her dependency to break her. I spent several weeks helping her bathe, eat, and dress. Millie can no longer talk. Her brain limits her vocabulary to about 10 words, and that is the extent of her communication. She is only about 10 years older than myself.

One night after spending an evening with her, I came home in tears. I was blubbering almost hysterically, desperately trying to come to grips with watching this young woman deteriorate before my eyes. I remember saying over and over to BabyMan, "Help me. I can't do this alone. I’m so scared. I don't want to wind up like her." I knew that's where I was headed. I was exhausted all the time, and I knew I had to do something, because I was in physical trouble. I could barely climb a simple flight of stairs, and had stopped going to the gym months ago. I had tried several times to quit smoking over the years, and found that the addiction was so strong, I felt powerless against it. BabyMan understood about addiction. It's a powerful force that can separate the closest of couples, and if he was going to take an active disciplinarian role in this, he would run the risk of causing resentment or even hatred stemming from my own chemical withdrawal.

BabyMan promised to help me. He started with limiting my cigarettes during the day, and then stopping smoking after 5:00 pm. I became irritable, antagonistic and agitated easily. I had my victories and my failures. I was paddled several times over the next few weeks for the smell of smoke in the house, leaving to grab a smoke in the yard after BabyMan went to sleep, lying, sneaking around, etc. I had lost my ability to reason. My integrity and credibility were shot as I rationalized and made excuses to myself for my lack of control. I worked hard to consume as much nicotine as I could get away with, and BabyMan was on to me most of the time.

Finally after several weeks of playing cat and mouse, I was told to pick a date where I would stop completely. I bought a box of nicotine lozenges, and picked January 1st as my quit date. But my behavior had to change. I must commit to total honesty, and confess whenever I failed. Through a painful wrestling with my conscience, I kept my word.

So far, there have only been two punishments since January 1st. My confessions came many days after the fact, and after having struggled with the fear of punishment. This wouldn't be an average paddling. This would be a painful, agonizing, burning that would render me unable to sit for hours, maybe even days. I would be spanked for smoking, and then again for lying by omission. In the end, I took it. He lectured me hard with every strike of the paddle. "So you decided to risk stroke (WHAP!) cancer (WHAP!) emphasima (WHAP!) ... did you give any thought to me, or the others who love you? (WHAP!) Did it occur to you that you'd leave me to grieve If I had to bury you because you were too selfish to stop killing yourself? (WHAP!) You want me to trust you and you lie to me (WHAP!) You think this is a game? This is your life, Dammit! (WHAP!)...

He was right. I had acted selfishly, and the scolding alone was enough to break my heart. I sobbed gut wrenchingly to his words of disappointment, as well as screamed in agony to the pain of the leather paddle on my bare behind.

So here it is, 3 months later, and I am breathing easier. I began going back to the gym 3 days a week at first, and have progressed to five days a week. My workouts are more rigorous as my lungs have begun the healing process. Thirty years of smoking had taken it's toll on my health, but I almost feel normal again, and my husband is so proud of me. After trying almost everything to quit over the years, I had consented to submitting to physical punishment as a deterrent, and oddly enough, it is the only thing that has worked so far.

The struggle continues today with intermittent nicotine fits. I've been told that the chemical completely leaves your body after only about ten days, but it doesn't feel that way. I see people on the street with cigarettes, and seriously consider offering them a dollar or two for just one to kill the craving. I fight these thoughts one day at a time, and each day I emerge victorious only to face the same challenge the next day.

Recently, on our trip to Jamaica, BabyMan discovered that his belt has another use other than holding up his pants. He had never used the belt on me before, and that first time in Jamaica caused severe bruising, and a pain that I NEVER want to experience again. My punishments for smoking paled in comparison. I had gotten almost used to our trusty leather paddle, and I believe that subconsciously I have come to the conclusion that the occasional cigarette in times of extreme withdrawal or stress would actually be worth the punishment. I can take the paddle if I have to. It's painful, but I can live through it without experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome. The belt is another story. It can't, in all fairness, be described as a spanking. It is a whipping, pure and simple. I handled it once, and I never want to go there again.

Of all the infractions that earn me a spanking, BabyMan and I  both consider smoking to be the most egregious, the most deplorable. This isn't a game. This is a mission to save my life, and I believe that he would not hesitate to reach for the belt the next time I falter.  And I wouldn't blame him.  The problem is that in times of great stress, I am weak. 

And knowing this, with my daily struggle to stay on my path… will I have to courage to confess next time?

7 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a tough question. 1st I want to say I so admire your nresolve and commitment to your heath. Kicking an addiction is no easy thing! 2nd, I have to say that some things neevr leave. I have not been a smoker since I graduated from college some...30-ish yrs ago (omg!). I still would love to reach for a cigarrette att ime and the urge comes at strage times. But then I always loved the taste, the motion, the whole shebang...just not the cancer.

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  2. SugarAnne,

    Many of us have been through your struggle with you through BabyMan's blog. We know how hard it has been and we are all VERY proud of how you are doing. Keep up the good work.

    As for your question could you honestly confess if it happened again. I think you could, in fact I think you would. Yours and BabyMan's relationship reminds me a lot of mine and Wil's and the one thing I could never do throughout our marriage is lie to him. And an omission about doing something is the same as lying.

    I guess Wil puts it best. Yeah it'll hurt if you do it and confess but no where near what would happen if I ever found out that you did it and didn't tell me.

    I don't think I would want to be the one to test that theory on BabyMan. I know quitting is hard, I know you'd do just about anything to get that cigarette at times but is disappointing BabyMan worth just one drag on a cigarette???

    Good luck!!!! You'll do great.

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  3. Hmm, the last part of my comment above disappeared, so I will try again.

    Part 2:

    I know that telling on yourself is hard, but living with the walls between you that lies create is worse, I think, and I learned over time that I always eventually do tell on myself. Once I realized that, it became easier to be honest, because the reality for me is tell now or tell later.

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  4. Thank you, Sara and Janet. You both went exactly where I expected (and needed) you to go. I need to map out my identity, and establish whether I want to be a wife who is misleading and manipulative, or a wife that can be trusted.

    Sometimes my failure is so close I can almost touch it … my chest is tight, my skin is crawling, I’m on the verge of exploding. I am desperate for this phase to be over, and so far I see no end in sight. And the thought of that belt is… terrifying. The question is, what’s stronger. My addiction or the fear of punishment? Or more to the point… my addiction or my integrity?
    Thank you both.

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  5. Hey Sugar -

    I am new to the blogging world, but am becoming a fan of yourself and Baby Man. You guy's are great. Anyways, I know your struggle with cigarettes. I smoked heavily for over ten years, not quite as long as you, but I made the decision to quit over a year ago and successfully did so, though it was quite a struggle. Your tale, to me, was a bit heart wrenching , but I am so glad that Baby Man is helping you through this, and I want to assure you that you are doing the right thing! (I am experiencing a similar road block with lying to my husband J, and I keep getting punished over and over again as a result) I know how your feeling, and I know how bad it can suck sometimes. I've gotten the belt MANY times, and although it's agonizing, I find hubby's rattan cane and red oak paddles FAR worse, LOL.

    I hope you feel better soon, and I will continue to follow your blog! Good work and good luck!

    Loved&Led (Jenn)

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  6. Jenn,
    How strange you should pop in... I just got finished reading your blog a moment ago. You and I have a few things in common, most importantly a slight challenge with self control. :) I really enjoy your blog and have already extracted some unconventional wisdom from your pages.
    Thanks for your support. I'm encouraged by the fact that you've remained smoke free for a year, and I hope to emulate your example. But... Rattan Canes? Red Oak Paddles? I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything!

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  7. Ha ha...yeah, I'm pretty new here, but I love to write so I blog pretty much every day if I have the time. Also, I always seem to be in trouble of some sort LOL. I think your right in that we probably have much in common. I started by reading your hubby's blog after he'd made a comment on one of my early posts..and loved it. I like his style and his sense of humor. So I was pretty excited when you started your own blog as I was curious to know more. I'm nosy like that!

    Quitting smoking was rough for me, especially the first few months, but J and I did it together. Like yourself, I didn't want my health to go down the tubes. YOU CAN DO THIS...believe me. It's an uphill climb but soon you will be through the worst of it. Try gum and hard candy for those extra infuriating cravings. Nothing is going to make it any easier. What you need is strength, will power, and self discipline..and I am pretty confident that those are all things that you possess. You'll be fine.

    So glad that you like my blog - please keep reading! I need all the support I can get as well, sometimes I just feel so lost. J is a wonderful man. We've been together for 9 years, and married for almost 3 now. I feel very blessed to belong to such a great guy, and I can't wait to live out the rest of my life with him. We have had a D/S relationship from the start. He is very loving but very strict when he needs to be, as I can be a tad rebellious, and am not always the respectful and obedient wife that I should be. (Take my lying, for instance ;) Needless to say I've been spanked with the belt, cane, hard wood paddles, spoons, and even lengths of electrical cable. J is pretty versatile - as long as he gets the message through, he's satisfied! But I am a young wife, and very stubborn by nature. I'm still learning. Surely there will not always be a need for him to be so strict with me! (Holy crap, my ass is STILL red from all of the spankings I've gotten in the last week!)

    OMG, sorry to write so much! Later! L&L

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